The Scare

So I woke up on Saturday morning around 5:30am. I stood up to go to the bathroom and realized I was a bit more "leaky" than normal. I went to the bathroom to find out I was gushing blood, and my pants were completely soaked with blood. I screamed for my husband and said "I think I am miscarrying". I also said "maybe you should check the bed to see if there is any blood". I tried to clean myself up as best as I could so we could head to the ER. I didn't know what to think. It was such a large amount of blood and was so very clotty.
The moment that broke my heart the most was to go back into the bedroom and see my husband kneeling next to the bed (where there was stains) and he was starting to cry. This sight was so sad to me.
We got the the ER and waited and waited. Eventually the bleeding slowed and we finally got an ultrasound and a internal exam. We found the baby moving and the heart beating away. We also found that my cervix was closed. So everything was "fine". But what is the bleeding? I guess it is something called a hemotoma around the placenta that had been forming for a while. It may be completely gone, or I may continue to bleed.
I was officially diagnosed with a "threatened miscarriage" and was told to "take it easy". We have a much higher risk of having a full misscarriage now, but the hope is that all will be fine from now on.
We missed our extended family Christmas, that was dissapointing. But it was for the best. I am so incredibly blessed to say that I am still pregnant. It was quite the scare, but really turned out to be nothing. So by God's Grace, this journey continues.

Tomorrow I will be 11 weeks pregnant

This is an image of what baby size compares to.

I am experiencing some pretty bad morning sickness these days. I have some zofran to take to help, but it doesn't take it completely away. I hate complaining and being whiny about it. But it is no fun to feel hungover all the time. Maybe we could go with the "hair of the dog" mentalilty and have one of these to celebrate the lime. ;)

Two Milestones

Lilah drank the last drop of frozen breastmilk. I exclusively pumped for 8 months, she got breastmilk for almost 13 months. The last couple weeks we have been just giving her a little bit and getting her used to whole milk. Now it is all gone. :( It makes me a little sad. I am proud of what I accomplished for her. I don't know if it made a difference in her health to have exclusive breastmilk, I can never know that. But we did for sure save hundreds of dollars on formula, so that is great.
#2 milestone? I am done with progesterone in oil (PIO) shots and estrogen patches for this pregnancy. So now it is up to my body to keep the hormone levels right to keep this baby inside and growing strong. My ass is very happy to not be shot anymore, welts and bruises will eventually go away.
:)

10wks2days

So I didn't update last week. But last Monday on 12/7 we had our last appointment with our RE. We saw the baby moving and could start to distinguish the arms and legs. He/she was moving around quite a bit. I decided he/she loves to dance just like Big Sister.
I had my first OB appointment on Thursday. We again had an ultrasound and again saw a heartbeat and a dancing baby. So at this time we have a grape that flips around.
It is absurd to say this, but I actually felt movement over the weekend. It was one distinct flip I could feel. I am pretty certain it was what I felt. I know what if feels to have a baby move inside me. I could be totally out of my mind, but I will just believe it and pay attention to if anymore feelings come.
Pregnancy is going ok. I have been getting pretty bad morning sickness all day. I think it is getting a little bit better. Overall it is ok. I am pretty down about weight gain. I should have lost more weight before doing a treatment cycle. But I did not. So I just step on the scale and watch the number go up and my clothes don't fit. Getting depressed about weight gain in pregnancy isn't the ideal time. But for whatever reason it is rough on me right now. So I need to just "get over it" :). I am so blessed to be pregnant again, so so very blessed.

Lilah's words

I decided I should keep track of the words that Lilah says. So here is the list.
Lilah
Da-Da
Kitty
Done
Milk
Elmo
Yes you do not see Ma-Ma on the list. Rarely do I get a real "ma-ma". But Milk and Elmo both sound like Ma-Ma, so people are like "ooooh she said ma-ma". LOL I get to correct them and say "no that is milk". Why does she torment me?
I adore my baby girl. This age is so much fun. She is so funny and has a great personality. I enjoy watching her explore and learn about the world around her. She is getting a temper though. It is a bit hard to take the SCREAMS when something isn't going her way. This is something we need to figure out how to remedy, can it actually be remedied? Probably not, perhaps ear plugs are in our future.
One year old is such an awesome age. I just adore Lilah. :)

Been too long

So today I am 8 weeks 3 days pregnant. I have been having some pretty bad morning sickness. One day I even managed to throw up 3 times. Luckily it comes and goes, and no more throwing up so far. I am very bloated, and almost can't wear my normal clothes any longer. I am not ready for maternity clothes yet, I just am not 100% comfortable that this will all be ok. So to wear maternity clothes to early seems to be a bad idea for some reason.
I need to have more faith and believe that this will all work out. It is hard to be pregnant at this early stage. You have no "proof" that things are growing and going as they should. I have an ultrasound next Monday. That will be helpful for me to start feeling more comfortable about this, I think.

Ultrasound today

Today is the day that we find out if at this point we have a viable pregnancy. I am very nervous. I have faith that no matter what the outcome is, it will be okay. But the waiting is killing me. I am so close to a panic attack and trying to come up with all sorts of ways to occupy my time, even doing WORK. ;) I think things could go either way. I still have pregnancy symptoms, and have not had any bleeding. But I just don't know what the outcome will be. I expect tears either way, lots of tears.

Lilah is ONE!

We celebrated Lilah's big day on Saturday. The party was great! We have such amazing friends and family. Poor little baby was so tired but did so well. I can't believe she is a year already. I see newborn pictures and just can't remember her ever being that small. She has her one year check up tomorrow. I am interested to see how many of the charts she is "off". I hope she handles the shots well.

Mercy

So I haven't taken the time to write in a few days. I am doing the best I can to focus on other things. I have an ultrasound on Wednesday to determine if we have a heart beat or not. The waiting game is scary. I want to have 100% faith, but that is difficult. Sunday's Sermon verse was about Mercy. I started to think about Mercy and actually looked up the definition of the word. The hardest thing for me to believe is do we really deserve another miracle? Just how many miracles is someone entitled to? I just don't know what will come of this pregnancy. I am focusing on the fact that there is still "life" inside me. I hope and pray this is the case. If I could make the time tick away a little faster I would.

Beta Hell

Well the number didn't double. So I have to spend the weekend in worry. I have to focus on the good and Lilah this weekend. So I need a meltdown and then I can go on. We will know more Monday.

"So you almost died twice?"

This was a comment from my husband last night. I was reminded of a memory from childhood that involved a friend from my neighborhood. She and I are now friends on facebook. I wrote something about a "silly memory" I had from 3rd grade. Apparently I had blocked out the trauma of this event. I read him the following: "Its a memory I will never forget. We were making ice burgs in the thin ice while laying on our stomachs hanging over the edge of the dock. Somehow you reached too far out & the next thing I knew you dove off head first & were under the ice looking up at me. Stephanie, I don't know what came over me at that moment, because for as young as we were you should have drown. You were going farther & father under the ice. I grabbed your leg. And kept pulling until your head was in the hole we made & I grabbed your hair & lifted your face out of the water. You had flipped face down again. The memory of you looking back up at me through the ice haunts me to this day. I was screaming your name, you were kicking & trying to get out from under the ice. I vividly remember telling you to "STAND- UP". We were only in maybe 2.5 feet of water. I do remember you climbing back onto the dock. I tell this story often. There is truly NO explanation of how you lived. I don't remember running up to the house at all. But I do remember how blue you were. I wondered how much of it you remembered. I didn't remember the footed PJs though. That sure was scary!"
His question, the second incident, was a similar period of time, within a few years. I fell off my bike and got a very serious concussion from the accident. In college I was learning about brain trauma and remember my Mom's recollection of the story "you looked up at me and said 'Mommy I can't see you' ". I called my Mom after that lecture and said "I had that serious of a concussion?".
This is just weighing so heavy on my heart. Have I really had two near death experiences in my life that I have never thought enough of to express my gratitude to the Lord? But this falling into the ice incident makes me realize that someone actually saved my life. A little child saved my life! The bike accident? A stranger carried me to my uncle's house (where we were visiting). Not sure that is the same as saving my life. But clearly two very instrumental people in my life that I have never thought much about in the past 25+ years.
I have always had a perspective on life that you meet people and everyone leaves some impact on you. Most of that impact you will never ever know how it has affected you. So it makes me reflect on how little I appreciate people in my life. Not so much family and friends, I think I do appreciate them, but the "little people" who come in and out of your life.
I guess the whole point of this, besides being so grateful to still be alive and able to "create" more life, is I need to be more aware of what people "do fo me". Maybe it is some crazy lady at the store who yelled at her child and that makes me give Lilah extra hugs that day. Whatever it is I feel that people have the power to impact your life. If I can learn to only let these influences be postitive, I would be ahead of the game. But that isn't always possible.
I hope I can be more appreciative of people, especially those that do make a HUGE impact on me.
I try to thank the Lord daily for all my blessings. I sure am VERY blessed in life!

C-Sections

For various reasons we ended up choosing to do a c-section. I won't go into all the details, but this was our chossen birth plan. Here are a couple tips/comments to help if you are having one.
1. It is overwhelming. The moment they roll you into the operating room is quite overwhelming, especially if you have never had surgery before. Expect a flood of emotions and try to focus on the end, and holding baby.
2. You will not have your legs for HOURS. I didn't know this. This was THE most frustrating thing for me. I could not move for a long time. I wanted to get up BAD.
3. Make sure you walk the next day! Get up and pee and walk around the hall. Get around as often as you can.
4. Take it easy at home. The worst day was when I leaped right out of bed. OMG it hurt! I forgot about the scar!
5. Keep your stitches dry and clean!
6. You will have a TON of swelling in your legs 2-4 days after c/s. I couldn't believe how much swelling I had in my feet and legs. They pump you full of fluids at the hospital. I weighed more AFTER giving birth because of this water.
7. Drink Water Drink Water Drink Water!!!!

Lovies/stuffed animals

You will notice around 5 months or so that baby wants to hold on to things. These bring baby comfort and help with sleep. We gave Lilah a stuffed monkey at this stage. This monkey is her best friend and she still needs him to fall asleep. This stage was after the swaddle, when she needed to do something with her hands. She was able to move around a bit, so the worries of toys being a danger was gone. If you are in a stage where you think baby wants to hold something. Give it a try. You will be amazed how it helps.

Baby Food Making

http://www.wholesomebabyfood.com/ This website is one of the best resources for baby food there is. This site answers so many questions about when to introduce foods, as well as recipes.
So tips I got from other Moms and some of my own are below:
1. Mix foods with breastmilk or formula for extra nutrition. You need something watery for most purees. I would skip water and stick to something they are familiar with taste wise.
2. Freeze homemade purees in ice cube trays.
3. Look for canned foods. I found that Trader Joes sells organic canned pumpkin, butternut squash and sweet potato. I would buy these and mix with breastmilk to thin it out.
4. Regular store bought applesauce. Unsweetened applesauce was one of the best tricks to thin foods out, and the taste is very much loved by baby!
5. Make veggies/buy fruits. I found that the gerber fruits were easy for daycare. Many fruits, like banana and apple brown as they sit out. So I would use the fresh at home, and make my own veggie.
6. Avocado! This is one of the best first foods. You can thin the texture out very easily and the taste is a favorite of many babies. I also found this very easy to freeze. Scoop it right out into a zip-lock or into an ice cube tray, then let it come to room temp and mix with milk/formula.
7. Black Beans. Are a great finger food. They are the perfect size, they are soft, and very tasty. Be careful to pay attention to gassiness though, these may be harsh on the tummy.
8. Don't go crazy buying too much, or making too much food. Purees are only given for a few months, and many of the store bought purees are way too thin once baby is used to eating. I ended up with too much because she started eating finger foods.

Tips on Pumping

Giving breastmilk to Lilah was a huge priority to me. But we never got the latching thing down. It just didn't work. So I began to pump and give her breastmilk in a bottle. It isn't the ideal, but we made it work for us. I decided to type up some tips that made it do-able for us.

1. Supportive Husband, who could do feedings, and entertain baby if need be

2. Extra Pump if you can. We had been given a hand me down pump, a Medela PIS. But I realized another one was a must. I combined all the coupons I could and ended up getting almost 50% off a Medela Freestyle pump at Babies R Us. I felt like I won the lottery that day! This is a handsfree pump that was great at home. I could walk around the kitchen and take care of some things at the same time. I would not use the handsfree kit that came with this pump, it was too complicated.

3. Handsfree bras are a MUST. I couldn't believe how sore my arms were from holding the shields for the first few weeks. My product rave is the Easy Expression Hands Free Bra.

4. Multiple Parts for the pumps! I had enough spare parts for a whole day of pumping. I would put them in the dishwasher at night. You can also place the pump parts in a ziplock in the fridge between pumps and not have to rinse/wash. This is a great tip too!
5. Lanisoh freezer bags are the cheapest and best to use. Freezing flat helps save room in the freezer too.
6. Keep a schedule that you can follow. More than 5 pumps a day makes things VERY complication. But 3-5 is actually managable. 15 mins at a time. I would try to pump right after Lilah went to bed, try to get up before her in the morning and pump. And I would pump at work and in the car to avoid having to juggle baby time.

Doing all of the above for 8 months gave me a supply for over a year for Lilah. I was blessed with a good supply. But pumping early got it all going.

6320

Well that is the beta number from 23dpo. This is a high number. So twins are on our minds. It isn't a for sure by any means. But it is a possibility. They want me to have one more blood test on Thursday and then our 1st u/s is scheduled for 11/18. We will know then. My mind is spinning a bit. The idea of more than one baby at a time is overwhelming. I have faith that no matter how this turns out, we will be okay and figure it all out. For now, I am VERY pregnant, that is all I know.

Friday

Well I had an interesting email exchange with my Brother about my work "issues". I made a comment about not being able to function at work at the high level, be a Mom and be pregnant. He wrote back and said "don't forget wife".
It hit home. I don't give my husband enough credit, but sure do give him enough "bitchiness". He isn't perfect. I am not perfect. We function ok. We are good parents together. But neither of us has figured out how to make our marriage something we CONSTANTLY work on. It makes me sad. How can people be great Mommies/Daddies, but not great spouses?
I need to work on "Me". I need to accept that I can't make him change the ways about him that I don't "like". I heard an interesting movie line, of all places from "Forces of Nature". It was advice that Sandra was giving to Ben. She said something like "when you think of all the things about her that bug you... remember that she is dealing with all sorts of imperfection every day". Something like that. I don't remember the exact wording. But to me it was saying that the things that I may notice are wrong with my husband, he probably already knows and deals with every day, as well as I am no where near perfect, so those in glass houses....

Another two week wait

Our ultrasound is scheduled for November 18th. I have to wait that long to confirm a heart beat. The wait will be tough. We have a pretty busy schedule in the next two weeks, that should help. I still need to do the planning for Lilah's big party. I have been slacking on that front.
I am feeling pretty confident that things will go well with this pregnancy. But the feeling of unknowing is hard to take some times. I have "symptoms" and all seems well. I think I am handling this "wondering" better than I did with Lilah. I just keep reminding myself that this is happening, this LIFE inside me will continue on well past today, well past tomorrow and for many many years to come. I keep praying for that.
My heart is so full of love for Lilah. She is so funny right now, I adore her. I can't wait to see her interact with siblings. She will be a great big sister. She makes me smile all the time. Except when she just says DADDDAA, and knows who Dada is, but doesn't seem to think saying Mama to me is important, she barely even says it. It does actually make me a little sad to be hanging out with her and dadddaaa daaddda comes out and she looks around... silly girl.

Beta #2

Well the beta was very good today 198!! So I guess this is real. We are on our way to 2 under 2! Wow I am very excited, but a little nervous at the same time. At the same time I need to plan a 1st Birthday party for Lilah. I have no plans yet, it in in less than 2 weeks! Time to get cracking!

24

Well our first beta was 24. So I am pregnant!!! Yay! I am so so happy. I am trying to remain positive and not think about the worst outcomes. I am feeling "yucky". So that is a good sign. On Monday I go back for more bloodwork. This will be the number that matters, to see if it doubles in the correct time.
:)

Waiting for Beta #1

I had my blood drawn this morning. I now am sitting at my desk at work anxiously waiting for my phone to ring. This beta doesn't mean all that much in the whole scheme of things. I expect it to be low since my home tests were faint. Monday is the beta that matters. It will show if the hcg doubled in the right amount of time. So this weekend will be a waiting game. I am being positive. I expect a good outcome with this pregnancy. I am trying to put fear aside and take this one day at a time. All easier said that done. I continue to pray. I am so blessed in life, and this makes my "cup run-ith over". So I am grateful. But I am a little scared, to be honest.

It can only go up I guess

So today I had a positive test, that was pretty clear, faint, but clear. Two lines. So I guess I will eat my woe is me words from yesterday.

Bottom

So I am at the point I get to with every cycle. Desperation. Having only had one successful pregnancy, and only two pregnancies total, I have been here many times before. "I just have to be pregnant, if I keep peeing on sticks and staring at them long enough it will come true". Well I am pretty certain it won't this time. I am super crampy and my boobs hurt. But I don't think it has anything to do with being pregnant. I think it just has to do with the process of my ovaries cleaning themselves up, the loads of progesteron in my body, general PMS.
So I will know for sure some time on Thursday. But I am "calling the game". It breaks my heart to think of how much effort/emotion/energy an IVF cycle takes. Not to mention the money involved. So a failed IVF cycle is a big deal. A very big deal. I can't believe I have to live it. This path we are on isn't easy, but I am strong. I will be ok. I will be ok.
We have been blessed. We are still very blessed. We have the best baby girl in the world. Who could ask for more?

Monday is never a nice word

I can't think of what good things come on Monday. I guess Lilah was born on Monday last year. So that makes it an okay day sometimes. I never sleep good on Sunday night and last night was no exception. I kept waking up thinking about taking a pregnancy test. I finally took one at 5am. It was negative, which was expected. It is still pretty early so a positive wasn't very likely. I don't know how I feel about this cycle. I am crampy and my boobs hurt. But that can be from PMS or from the progesterone. I just keep reminding myself that everything will be ok regardless of the outcome.
When will I test again? I would like to say I won't test again tomorrow and Wednesday. But I am sure I will. I have to have the bloodwork regardless, and it is always a pain to find a vein. So I can't think of much worse of a scenario than being poked multiple times just to confirm the negative that I would already know. It sounds like torture to me. So to go in somewhat blind is appealing, still having a slim bit of hope, maybe that won't be so torturous. But I have this trait about myself. I need to know everything. So I am sure this will take over and I will again wake up multiple times wondering when I can pee on a stick.
And here I sit at work trying to let the work occupy my mind. It isn't working. I have some meetings in a few and should be busy all morning. So I guess for a few hours I can keep my mind off my uterus.
All I can control now is how I feel. I continue to pray.

Thankful for a sister in law who "gets it"

My brother and sister-in-law have two children, both were adopted after fertility treatments could not provide them a child. She just texted me to check in. And she sent me this verse.
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
So I will try to take this to heart.

Saturday

So I am trying to preoccupy myself today. Doing what I love to do best, make soup. I hope it keeps my mind off of things for a little while. This balance of fear and hope are hard to manage. I want this so much. But I am trying to remind myself that I will be okay no matter what. I am a strong person, and I will be okay.
The debate with the RE about the embryo freezing still weighs on my mind. But I just can't imagine doing so much to create "life" and paying so much to create "life" and just discarding it for any reason. To me those embryos were continuing to grow. So I just could not make a decision to not fight for them. And part of it, I need something from this cycle. If it fails, I need something. The nurse called it "a back up". I don't think of it so much as that. Because in all honestly those embryos may never make it past the thaw. But it gives us something in the future to reach for. Because if this fails and I have to just deal with the present only, it will be rough.
Hope I need to focus on hope. This had to have worked. It had to. I have to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant. I will be pregnant.....

Two days after 4day Transfer

I am starting to get "symptoms".... which actually probably isn't a good sign, or any sign at all. It just means that this weekend, waiting to test, will be hard. I have a busy weekend, so hopefully I can stay preoccupied and not get all crazy. We will see how that goes. I have told others that I think God may be getting sick of me. Every time I think of my uterus I say a prayer for the "life" inside of me. I ask God to "let this life continue living well past today, well past tomorrow". But at the same time I have been asking for strength to get through whatever may come. This is the only way I know how to handle this. I can't control what happens. I can just control how I feel. I feel hopeful, but I feel scared.
Update:
We decided to have 2 pre-blasts frozen today. This is against the RE's advice. He doesn't expect them to make it past thaw, but I just can't let them fade away. They have fought this long. To me this is life. They are living things that my husband and I created with the help of science. So it was an easy decision for me to make. My RE explained the chances to me and I am okay with them. If they don't make it past thaw, then they weren't meant to be.

Two embryos in!

Now we just wait an pray. I am happy we did the transfer today. I just hope that I provide a happy place for at least one of these little guys and they stick around. :)
We transfered 2-12 cells, one grade 1 and one grade 2. 0 grade being best. They are behind were a typical embryo should be, but beyond where our previous embryo was.
Let's hope these siblings of Lilah's are just as much fighters as she was.

Day 4

Well we got the call yesterday and said that the embryos were still all around. Some were better than others, but this is a huge improvement over last time. So we were going to do a 5 day transfer. But the RE said he would look at them today and if we wanted we could do the transfer. So all in all... we still make crappy embryos. But we made more of them this time, and they are less crappy. So wtf does that all mean? We transfer the two "best" today and go from there.

Day 2

So I am still fighting a slight fever. It is pretty low, but there. The nurse told me to call this morning to update her. So I have to wait to hear back if the Doctor wants to do anything, or if I should do anything. But I also made sure that she told me again about the embryos. I told her I didn't believe her. LOL. She repeated the report again, and assured me that we really did have 10 embryos. Wow. So we wait for the phone call tomorrow to see what is next.

Nope this can't be OUR Fert Report!

So I was sitting in church desperate to see my phone ring since the sound was off. I normally would have been fine with voicemail, but I have a slight fever and felt it important to discuss with the nurse.

So I said "we are in church hang on a sec... do we need to pray harder?"

She was like heck no! Out of 14, 12 were mature and we have TEN embryos!! Holy moly. This can't be our report! So we are double what we had last time at 5. This is crazy. :)

Lilah is 11 Months Today

We had a birthday party today. Because of the procedure this morning we could only stop by and drop off a gift. This was the party for Nate, Ben and Alex. They are the triplets of an "infertility friend" of mine. They were born on October 20 almost a month before Lilah. Since Lilah was napping in the car she didn't get to say Happy Birthday. But she is very happy for the boys and how much they have grown since being such itty bitty NICU babies. Here is a picture of her and the boys from back in March.
I included a picture of Lilah from today. She isn't very easy to get to sit still anymore. But she is still pretty cute. I can't believe my baby is almost a year old!

Post ER Afternoon

Well we got 14 eggs this time. Based on our last E2 level of 1499 I wouldn't expect them all to be mature. We will hear the fertility report tomorrow, which I expect to show 7-10 mature. I hope we get better quality this time around. Like I like to say... we make FUGLY embryos but really stinking cute babies. ;)
We are most likely going to be doing a 3day transfer on Tuesday. The only thing that will change this is the quality of the embryos and if we have more the 3-4 to keep an eye on. I think we are going to have to play it all by ear. Which for me is not the easiest thing to do. I am a control freak and this whole process is uncontrolable. So I just wait and try to find some patience.
This is a tough thing to go through. I am not sure why this is our path, but I know I am strong enough to handle it all, but it still takes it's toll emotionally.

Friday night

So hearing my first real "mama" at daycare should have made my day, right? Well when the day is just super crappy, it is hard for anything to improve it. I am very pissed off tonight about the work situation. It is such horrible timing the night before the ER. I need to relax and focus on the future, hopefully the future of our family. I am also frustrated with my husband, my husband who knows what a crappy day I had, and somehow can't take himself to "be there for me". I hope the intent of this blog, to help me vent and find some peace will actually come true. In the meantime.... CHEERS!

Working

Well I have many things on my mind these days. But the whole idea of being a highly effective working mom is top on the list. I have a high responsibility job and am expected to be performing at the high level I used to before being pregnant and a Mom. But I am failing. I am not as I used to be. I need to figure out the best balance of my life. But being a stay at home Mom is not an option for many reasons. I hate that I know what I am doing wrong but just don't know how to address it in the moment. I hope to get back on track soon. But am fearing that big changes may be a necessity. I wish being a working Mom were an easier task. I know many woman struggle with this too. I guess with the econmony and those struggling to be parents...my problem here is a great one to have. It just sucks some days.
Well let's add an edit to this.
I had a meeting with my boss just before lunch. I need to figure this all out. Can I really do the job I used to do? I got a promotion right after getting back from maternity leave. It was just the timing that was because of retirement. But I don't deserve the position I have any more. My mind just isn't functioning the way it did when I did earn and deserve the position. I was a big picture person, things got done, I made things happen. I earned the job. But now, not so much. I can't do the job the way I used to do. I am not living up to my potential. Can I? I don't know. I still have the opportunity to make my job what I want it to be. Do I consider getting de-moted and going part time, or "less" time in responsibility. I am so in a daze right now. I just don't know what the answer is. Oh and did I mention my ER is tomorrow?

All about Lilah Bean

So to say I adore Lilah is probably an understatement. She is THE coolest kid ever. :) I tell her all the time that she is "my favorite person in the world". She is smart, funny, cute, she has it all. My favorite feature of her is her beautiful eyes and eyelashes. She will cause trouble with those eyes. My favorite thing to do with her is to rock her to sleep. I love cuddling with her and holding her face close. This is such a fun age. She will be 11 months tomorrow. She is cruising up a storm. Her first word is cat/kitty. It doesn't come out very clearly, but she is consistant with it. She says it to 5 cats and nothing else. So I will count it as her first word. We get mamas and dadas. But she doesn't connect them to us. I thought her first word would be "Lilah". She seemed to know her name first. But that isn't as much anymore. So it is a world about cats. I just can't get over how much babies grow in the first year. I can't imagine ever having her small enough to fit inside. I can't imagine her fitting in her newborn clothing. It is all so crazy and cool. She is the best. I am so happy to be her Mom and to watch her grow. I am one lucky woman.

It's a Baby Boom

So I have heard on the news that the years 2006-2008 were a baby boom. Well I lived this boom and I feel that 2010 will continue this trend. There will always be periods of time in your life where you have lots of weddings, lots of baby showers, lots of graduation parties... it happens. But in 2008 we had 17 babies that we knew, in our immediate circle and even more that weren't as close. So getting pregnant and having a baby in 2008 was a must. How in the world would I function if I couldn't take part in this baby boom. I am very thankful that God did not make this journey even harder for me. But now what? It is late 2009, where are all these other Moms? Well holy cow, many of them, and new close friends are pregnant. More babies. So again I sit and wonder if I get to play in the game this time. I am tough. I know I am. But if I don't get to play this time.... I don't know what. I will blog. This will be my healing place. I hope.

Our Story

My husband and I decided to start TTC back in September of 2006. At that point we had no idea of what our path would be. It turned out we would be on a long path, but the end of the path for child #1 was well worth the time. We have both MFIF and egg issues. We did 6 treatment cycles total. We had one early loss and were successful on IVF#1. I have no doubt that Lilah was a miracle. Our RE gave us a 5% chance of success at the transfer. The transfer was done on Day 4 because I insisted on it. I had been told there may be only one embryo to transfer. I needed to have that back with me as soon as possible. Our betas were low with Lilah and a successful outcome was not predicted. I was worried every day of my pregnancy. I still worry every day about my love bug. She is amazing absolutely amazing. I adore my Lilah and I can't wait to grow our family. She deserves to grow up with siblings. So our new journey begins.

Intro

I didn't blog about our infertilty struggle with our first child. But I have so many emotions with this journey for number two that I need to get some of it out. Tomorrow is our egg retrieval for IVF#2. I am scared. I can't put my finger on exactly what the fear is from. But the money of this is getting to me more than it did with Lilah. Failure is possible. I am trying to find a happy medium of hope and realism. So this is the start of our journey.