So today I am 8 weeks 3 days pregnant. I have been having some pretty bad morning sickness. One day I even managed to throw up 3 times. Luckily it comes and goes, and no more throwing up so far. I am very bloated, and almost can't wear my normal clothes any longer. I am not ready for maternity clothes yet, I just am not 100% comfortable that this will all be ok. So to wear maternity clothes to early seems to be a bad idea for some reason.
I need to have more faith and believe that this will all work out. It is hard to be pregnant at this early stage. You have no "proof" that things are growing and going as they should. I have an ultrasound next Monday. That will be helpful for me to start feeling more comfortable about this, I think.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Ultrasound today
Today is the day that we find out if at this point we have a viable pregnancy. I am very nervous. I have faith that no matter what the outcome is, it will be okay. But the waiting is killing me. I am so close to a panic attack and trying to come up with all sorts of ways to occupy my time, even doing WORK. ;) I think things could go either way. I still have pregnancy symptoms, and have not had any bleeding. But I just don't know what the outcome will be. I expect tears either way, lots of tears.
Lilah is ONE!
We celebrated Lilah's big day on Saturday. The party was great! We have such amazing friends and family. Poor little baby was so tired but did so well. I can't believe she is a year already. I see newborn pictures and just can't remember her ever being that small. She has her one year check up tomorrow. I am interested to see how many of the charts she is "off". I hope she handles the shots well.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Mercy
So I haven't taken the time to write in a few days. I am doing the best I can to focus on other things. I have an ultrasound on Wednesday to determine if we have a heart beat or not. The waiting game is scary. I want to have 100% faith, but that is difficult. Sunday's Sermon verse was about Mercy. I started to think about Mercy and actually looked up the definition of the word. The hardest thing for me to believe is do we really deserve another miracle? Just how many miracles is someone entitled to? I just don't know what will come of this pregnancy. I am focusing on the fact that there is still "life" inside me. I hope and pray this is the case. If I could make the time tick away a little faster I would.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Beta Hell
Well the number didn't double. So I have to spend the weekend in worry. I have to focus on the good and Lilah this weekend. So I need a meltdown and then I can go on. We will know more Monday.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
"So you almost died twice?"
This was a comment from my husband last night. I was reminded of a memory from childhood that involved a friend from my neighborhood. She and I are now friends on facebook. I wrote something about a "silly memory" I had from 3rd grade. Apparently I had blocked out the trauma of this event. I read him the following: "Its a memory I will never forget. We were making ice burgs in the thin ice while laying on our stomachs hanging over the edge of the dock. Somehow you reached too far out & the next thing I knew you dove off head first & were under the ice looking up at me. Stephanie, I don't know what came over me at that moment, because for as young as we were you should have drown. You were going farther & father under the ice. I grabbed your leg. And kept pulling until your head was in the hole we made & I grabbed your hair & lifted your face out of the water. You had flipped face down again. The memory of you looking back up at me through the ice haunts me to this day. I was screaming your name, you were kicking & trying to get out from under the ice. I vividly remember telling you to "STAND- UP". We were only in maybe 2.5 feet of water. I do remember you climbing back onto the dock. I tell this story often. There is truly NO explanation of how you lived. I don't remember running up to the house at all. But I do remember how blue you were. I wondered how much of it you remembered. I didn't remember the footed PJs though. That sure was scary!"
His question, the second incident, was a similar period of time, within a few years. I fell off my bike and got a very serious concussion from the accident. In college I was learning about brain trauma and remember my Mom's recollection of the story "you looked up at me and said 'Mommy I can't see you' ". I called my Mom after that lecture and said "I had that serious of a concussion?".
This is just weighing so heavy on my heart. Have I really had two near death experiences in my life that I have never thought enough of to express my gratitude to the Lord? But this falling into the ice incident makes me realize that someone actually saved my life. A little child saved my life! The bike accident? A stranger carried me to my uncle's house (where we were visiting). Not sure that is the same as saving my life. But clearly two very instrumental people in my life that I have never thought much about in the past 25+ years.
I have always had a perspective on life that you meet people and everyone leaves some impact on you. Most of that impact you will never ever know how it has affected you. So it makes me reflect on how little I appreciate people in my life. Not so much family and friends, I think I do appreciate them, but the "little people" who come in and out of your life.
I guess the whole point of this, besides being so grateful to still be alive and able to "create" more life, is I need to be more aware of what people "do fo me". Maybe it is some crazy lady at the store who yelled at her child and that makes me give Lilah extra hugs that day. Whatever it is I feel that people have the power to impact your life. If I can learn to only let these influences be postitive, I would be ahead of the game. But that isn't always possible.
I hope I can be more appreciative of people, especially those that do make a HUGE impact on me.
I try to thank the Lord daily for all my blessings. I sure am VERY blessed in life!
His question, the second incident, was a similar period of time, within a few years. I fell off my bike and got a very serious concussion from the accident. In college I was learning about brain trauma and remember my Mom's recollection of the story "you looked up at me and said 'Mommy I can't see you' ". I called my Mom after that lecture and said "I had that serious of a concussion?".
This is just weighing so heavy on my heart. Have I really had two near death experiences in my life that I have never thought enough of to express my gratitude to the Lord? But this falling into the ice incident makes me realize that someone actually saved my life. A little child saved my life! The bike accident? A stranger carried me to my uncle's house (where we were visiting). Not sure that is the same as saving my life. But clearly two very instrumental people in my life that I have never thought much about in the past 25+ years.
I have always had a perspective on life that you meet people and everyone leaves some impact on you. Most of that impact you will never ever know how it has affected you. So it makes me reflect on how little I appreciate people in my life. Not so much family and friends, I think I do appreciate them, but the "little people" who come in and out of your life.
I guess the whole point of this, besides being so grateful to still be alive and able to "create" more life, is I need to be more aware of what people "do fo me". Maybe it is some crazy lady at the store who yelled at her child and that makes me give Lilah extra hugs that day. Whatever it is I feel that people have the power to impact your life. If I can learn to only let these influences be postitive, I would be ahead of the game. But that isn't always possible.
I hope I can be more appreciative of people, especially those that do make a HUGE impact on me.
I try to thank the Lord daily for all my blessings. I sure am VERY blessed in life!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
C-Sections
For various reasons we ended up choosing to do a c-section. I won't go into all the details, but this was our chossen birth plan. Here are a couple tips/comments to help if you are having one.
1. It is overwhelming. The moment they roll you into the operating room is quite overwhelming, especially if you have never had surgery before. Expect a flood of emotions and try to focus on the end, and holding baby.
2. You will not have your legs for HOURS. I didn't know this. This was THE most frustrating thing for me. I could not move for a long time. I wanted to get up BAD.
3. Make sure you walk the next day! Get up and pee and walk around the hall. Get around as often as you can.
4. Take it easy at home. The worst day was when I leaped right out of bed. OMG it hurt! I forgot about the scar!
5. Keep your stitches dry and clean!
6. You will have a TON of swelling in your legs 2-4 days after c/s. I couldn't believe how much swelling I had in my feet and legs. They pump you full of fluids at the hospital. I weighed more AFTER giving birth because of this water.
7. Drink Water Drink Water Drink Water!!!!
1. It is overwhelming. The moment they roll you into the operating room is quite overwhelming, especially if you have never had surgery before. Expect a flood of emotions and try to focus on the end, and holding baby.
2. You will not have your legs for HOURS. I didn't know this. This was THE most frustrating thing for me. I could not move for a long time. I wanted to get up BAD.
3. Make sure you walk the next day! Get up and pee and walk around the hall. Get around as often as you can.
4. Take it easy at home. The worst day was when I leaped right out of bed. OMG it hurt! I forgot about the scar!
5. Keep your stitches dry and clean!
6. You will have a TON of swelling in your legs 2-4 days after c/s. I couldn't believe how much swelling I had in my feet and legs. They pump you full of fluids at the hospital. I weighed more AFTER giving birth because of this water.
7. Drink Water Drink Water Drink Water!!!!
Lovies/stuffed animals
You will notice around 5 months or so that baby wants to hold on to things. These bring baby comfort and help with sleep. We gave Lilah a stuffed monkey at this stage. This monkey is her best friend and she still needs him to fall asleep. This stage was after the swaddle, when she needed to do something with her hands. She was able to move around a bit, so the worries of toys being a danger was gone. If you are in a stage where you think baby wants to hold something. Give it a try. You will be amazed how it helps. 
Baby Food Making
http://www.wholesomebabyfood.com/ This website is one of the best resources for baby food there is. This site answers so many questions about when to introduce foods, as well as recipes.
So tips I got from other Moms and some of my own are below:
1. Mix foods with breastmilk or formula for extra nutrition. You need something watery for most purees. I would skip water and stick to something they are familiar with taste wise.
2. Freeze homemade purees in ice cube trays.
3. Look for canned foods. I found that Trader Joes sells organic canned pumpkin, butternut squash and sweet potato. I would buy these and mix with breastmilk to thin it out.
4. Regular store bought applesauce. Unsweetened applesauce was one of the best tricks to thin foods out, and the taste is very much loved by baby!
5. Make veggies/buy fruits. I found that the gerber fruits were easy for daycare. Many fruits, like banana and apple brown as they sit out. So I would use the fresh at home, and make my own veggie.
6. Avocado! This is one of the best first foods. You can thin the texture out very easily and the taste is a favorite of many babies. I also found this very easy to freeze. Scoop it right out into a zip-lock or into an ice cube tray, then let it come to room temp and mix with milk/formula.
7. Black Beans. Are a great finger food. They are the perfect size, they are soft, and very tasty. Be careful to pay attention to gassiness though, these may be harsh on the tummy.
8. Don't go crazy buying too much, or making too much food. Purees are only given for a few months, and many of the store bought purees are way too thin once baby is used to eating. I ended up with too much because she started eating finger foods.
So tips I got from other Moms and some of my own are below:
1. Mix foods with breastmilk or formula for extra nutrition. You need something watery for most purees. I would skip water and stick to something they are familiar with taste wise.
2. Freeze homemade purees in ice cube trays.
3. Look for canned foods. I found that Trader Joes sells organic canned pumpkin, butternut squash and sweet potato. I would buy these and mix with breastmilk to thin it out.
4. Regular store bought applesauce. Unsweetened applesauce was one of the best tricks to thin foods out, and the taste is very much loved by baby!
5. Make veggies/buy fruits. I found that the gerber fruits were easy for daycare. Many fruits, like banana and apple brown as they sit out. So I would use the fresh at home, and make my own veggie.
6. Avocado! This is one of the best first foods. You can thin the texture out very easily and the taste is a favorite of many babies. I also found this very easy to freeze. Scoop it right out into a zip-lock or into an ice cube tray, then let it come to room temp and mix with milk/formula.
7. Black Beans. Are a great finger food. They are the perfect size, they are soft, and very tasty. Be careful to pay attention to gassiness though, these may be harsh on the tummy.
8. Don't go crazy buying too much, or making too much food. Purees are only given for a few months, and many of the store bought purees are way too thin once baby is used to eating. I ended up with too much because she started eating finger foods.
Tips on Pumping
Giving breastmilk to Lilah was a huge priority to me. But we never got the latching thing down. It just didn't work. So I began to pump and give her breastmilk in a bottle. It isn't the ideal, but we made it work for us. I decided to type up some tips that made it do-able for us.
1. Supportive Husband, who could do feedings, and entertain baby if need be
2. Extra Pump if you can. We had been given a hand me down pump, a Medela PIS. But I realized another one was a must. I combined all the coupons I could and ended up getting almost 50% off a Medela Freestyle pump at Babies R Us. I felt like I won the lottery that day! This is a handsfree pump that was great at home. I could walk around the kitchen and take care of some things at the same time. I would not use the handsfree kit that came with this pump, it was too complicated.
3. Handsfree bras are a MUST. I couldn't believe how sore my arms were from holding the shields for the first few weeks. My product rave is the Easy Expression Hands Free Bra.
4. Multiple Parts for the pumps! I had enough spare parts for a whole day of pumping. I would put them in the dishwasher at night. You can also place the pump parts in a ziplock in the fridge between pumps and not have to rinse/wash. This is a great tip too!
5. Lanisoh freezer bags are the cheapest and best to use. Freezing flat helps save room in the freezer too.
6. Keep a schedule that you can follow. More than 5 pumps a day makes things VERY complication. But 3-5 is actually managable. 15 mins at a time. I would try to pump right after Lilah went to bed, try to get up before her in the morning and pump. And I would pump at work and in the car to avoid having to juggle baby time.
Doing all of the above for 8 months gave me a supply for over a year for Lilah. I was blessed with a good supply. But pumping early got it all going.
1. Supportive Husband, who could do feedings, and entertain baby if need be
2. Extra Pump if you can. We had been given a hand me down pump, a Medela PIS. But I realized another one was a must. I combined all the coupons I could and ended up getting almost 50% off a Medela Freestyle pump at Babies R Us. I felt like I won the lottery that day! This is a handsfree pump that was great at home. I could walk around the kitchen and take care of some things at the same time. I would not use the handsfree kit that came with this pump, it was too complicated.
3. Handsfree bras are a MUST. I couldn't believe how sore my arms were from holding the shields for the first few weeks. My product rave is the Easy Expression Hands Free Bra.
4. Multiple Parts for the pumps! I had enough spare parts for a whole day of pumping. I would put them in the dishwasher at night. You can also place the pump parts in a ziplock in the fridge between pumps and not have to rinse/wash. This is a great tip too!
5. Lanisoh freezer bags are the cheapest and best to use. Freezing flat helps save room in the freezer too.
6. Keep a schedule that you can follow. More than 5 pumps a day makes things VERY complication. But 3-5 is actually managable. 15 mins at a time. I would try to pump right after Lilah went to bed, try to get up before her in the morning and pump. And I would pump at work and in the car to avoid having to juggle baby time.
Doing all of the above for 8 months gave me a supply for over a year for Lilah. I was blessed with a good supply. But pumping early got it all going.
6320
Well that is the beta number from 23dpo. This is a high number. So twins are on our minds. It isn't a for sure by any means. But it is a possibility. They want me to have one more blood test on Thursday and then our 1st u/s is scheduled for 11/18. We will know then. My mind is spinning a bit. The idea of more than one baby at a time is overwhelming. I have faith that no matter how this turns out, we will be okay and figure it all out. For now, I am VERY pregnant, that is all I know.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Friday
Well I had an interesting email exchange with my Brother about my work "issues". I made a comment about not being able to function at work at the high level, be a Mom and be pregnant. He wrote back and said "don't forget wife".
It hit home. I don't give my husband enough credit, but sure do give him enough "bitchiness". He isn't perfect. I am not perfect. We function ok. We are good parents together. But neither of us has figured out how to make our marriage something we CONSTANTLY work on. It makes me sad. How can people be great Mommies/Daddies, but not great spouses?
I need to work on "Me". I need to accept that I can't make him change the ways about him that I don't "like". I heard an interesting movie line, of all places from "Forces of Nature". It was advice that Sandra was giving to Ben. She said something like "when you think of all the things about her that bug you... remember that she is dealing with all sorts of imperfection every day". Something like that. I don't remember the exact wording. But to me it was saying that the things that I may notice are wrong with my husband, he probably already knows and deals with every day, as well as I am no where near perfect, so those in glass houses....
It hit home. I don't give my husband enough credit, but sure do give him enough "bitchiness". He isn't perfect. I am not perfect. We function ok. We are good parents together. But neither of us has figured out how to make our marriage something we CONSTANTLY work on. It makes me sad. How can people be great Mommies/Daddies, but not great spouses?
I need to work on "Me". I need to accept that I can't make him change the ways about him that I don't "like". I heard an interesting movie line, of all places from "Forces of Nature". It was advice that Sandra was giving to Ben. She said something like "when you think of all the things about her that bug you... remember that she is dealing with all sorts of imperfection every day". Something like that. I don't remember the exact wording. But to me it was saying that the things that I may notice are wrong with my husband, he probably already knows and deals with every day, as well as I am no where near perfect, so those in glass houses....
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Another two week wait
Our ultrasound is scheduled for November 18th. I have to wait that long to confirm a heart beat. The wait will be tough. We have a pretty busy schedule in the next two weeks, that should help. I still need to do the planning for Lilah's big party. I have been slacking on that front.
I am feeling pretty confident that things will go well with this pregnancy. But the feeling of unknowing is hard to take some times. I have "symptoms" and all seems well. I think I am handling this "wondering" better than I did with Lilah. I just keep reminding myself that this is happening, this LIFE inside me will continue on well past today, well past tomorrow and for many many years to come. I keep praying for that.
My heart is so full of love for Lilah. She is so funny right now, I adore her. I can't wait to see her interact with siblings. She will be a great big sister. She makes me smile all the time. Except when she just says DADDDAA, and knows who Dada is, but doesn't seem to think saying Mama to me is important, she barely even says it. It does actually make me a little sad to be hanging out with her and dadddaaa daaddda comes out and she looks around... silly girl.
I am feeling pretty confident that things will go well with this pregnancy. But the feeling of unknowing is hard to take some times. I have "symptoms" and all seems well. I think I am handling this "wondering" better than I did with Lilah. I just keep reminding myself that this is happening, this LIFE inside me will continue on well past today, well past tomorrow and for many many years to come. I keep praying for that.
My heart is so full of love for Lilah. She is so funny right now, I adore her. I can't wait to see her interact with siblings. She will be a great big sister. She makes me smile all the time. Except when she just says DADDDAA, and knows who Dada is, but doesn't seem to think saying Mama to me is important, she barely even says it. It does actually make me a little sad to be hanging out with her and dadddaaa daaddda comes out and she looks around... silly girl.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Beta #2
Well the beta was very good today 198!! So I guess this is real. We are on our way to 2 under 2! Wow I am very excited, but a little nervous at the same time. At the same time I need to plan a 1st Birthday party for Lilah. I have no plans yet, it in in less than 2 weeks! Time to get cracking!
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