Feeling very BLAH about Me

Well it is no secret to the world that I have a weight problem. I always have. I am not sure when it started, but it was well before Junior High. I have vivid memories of every summer planning to lose weight and then buying all the "cool clothes" the skinny girls were wearing. But I never did lose the weight, just kept gaining it.
It took until college to really find motivation and knowledge of how to be healthy. College surely didn't cure me, but it did help me understand that it was something I could control. So I have been on an up and down cycle for the last 10+ years. I know what is healthy to eat and that exercise is essential to staying healthy.
My recent "excuse" is infertility treatments, TTC and being pregnant. My focus has shifted away from ME. So I am a big fat BLOB. I hate being this way. I started this pregnancy about 5lbs more than I did with Lilah. I was hoping to avoid gaining as much weight as I did with her (probably about 38lbs). But the scale is not my friend right now.
I am still in the same old mindset.. "when this baby comes and I can exercise again....". I want to run again, running is something that works for me, mentally and physically. I keep talking about doing it. I just need to do it when the time comes.
For now I need to "get over it" and realize that this is who I am now and I can't change it "yet". So if I can avoid mirrors and scales until this baby is born, maybe I will be ok.
FAT CHANCE!
wahhh wahhh wahhh Woe is ME! :)

LOTS of movement!

Well there is no doubt there is something living inside of me. This little creature is having lots of fun inside me lately. Early movement always feels so strange. It is a mixture of gas bubbles, and feelings of being tickled on the inside... it is just weird to feel.
My belly is huge now. Not that I have ever had a small belly. But it is hard to deny the bumb anymore, not that I would deny it. Sometime soon we will get to meet this little baby. Hopefully that soon is still months away.

Layla Grace

I came across this story last week. I can't stop following the twitter feed or the blog. My heart is breaking for this family.
http://laylagrace.org/

I can't imagine ever being as strong as these parents are being. I can't imagine how you can see positive in such darkness. I have a strong faith and I keep myself sane most days by truely believing that good can come from bad. But why does a little girl have to suffer? Why does this family have to let go of a little girl that they love so much? I am really struggling with this. (which I know is trite considering what her family is going through).
This poor little girl started getting sick when she was Lilah's age. So of course it is hitting way too close to home. But my baby is healthy. And so many other babies are healthy. Why does this poor little girl Layla not get to grow up and enjoy life. Why? Why? Why?
I keep praying for this family, that they somehow find peace. But they are so strong and have already made some peace with this.
I am so sad. This just isn't fair.
Lord please stop this little baby's suffering and please bring some peace to this family.