I am a Mom and a Wife

So it is funny sometimes I look at Lilah and think "are you real? Is this really my life?". I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. I waited somewhat late in life to find both, but I have both now and sometimes the reality strikes me. "I am a Mom".... I am a mother to a beautiful, amazing daughter.... I am a 36 weeks pregnant with my second daughter, who I am very excited to meet.
My husband is an amazing father. He is very kind, and very good at "taking care of things". He has always loved birds, and takes pride in his yard. He also takes care of the cats better than most cats are taken care of. :) He adores Lilah, and Lilah adores him. I think he is afraid that he can't love another daughter as much and perhaps is a little nervous for the big change to our family. But I know when he meets his new daughter, his heart will grow.
I am very blessed in life. I don't say enough prayers of "thanks" in my daily life. I need to do more of that. My life and, Me, are not perfect. But I do have the life I want now. I want to improve "Me". I plan to work on that in the time I have off from working outside of the home.

My Plan

Well being a full time working Mom, even with a very flexible job has proven to be very difficult. I am no focussed, and more importantly not very happy. I have always known that I couldn't be a 100% stay at home Mom. I need something more in life.
I also don't think I can provide enough of the "educational" type learning that toddlers need. We sometimes get bored at home on the weekends trying to keep a very inquisitive toddler entertained. We have fun. But if the weather isn't nice we tend to watch TV too often.
So I have always thought the ideal situation would be part time. Enjoy being with my children often during the week, but not full time. And also doing something to keep my mind in check.
My new working plan for the rest of 2010 is actually less than part time. I will be off work from June 18- September. From September to January I will be working under 20 hrs a week, mostly in the office, but some at home projects too.
This means that the new baby will likely not be exposed to daycare until January. I don't find daycare all that beneficial for babies, but I think the structure for a toddler is important. So Lilah will still be in daycare a little over 15 hrs a week. I think the interaction with other children and the learning opportunity for her is well worth it. Hopefully my Mom can watch the baby on days I work.
So I will have time to myself, time for my children, hopefully time for my husband and house projects, and time for exercise! I can't wait to work out again. It seems silly, but I get so much out of exercise and mentally I need it. So hopefully by late July I will be cleared to do more than walking.

Feeling very BLAH about Me

Well it is no secret to the world that I have a weight problem. I always have. I am not sure when it started, but it was well before Junior High. I have vivid memories of every summer planning to lose weight and then buying all the "cool clothes" the skinny girls were wearing. But I never did lose the weight, just kept gaining it.
It took until college to really find motivation and knowledge of how to be healthy. College surely didn't cure me, but it did help me understand that it was something I could control. So I have been on an up and down cycle for the last 10+ years. I know what is healthy to eat and that exercise is essential to staying healthy.
My recent "excuse" is infertility treatments, TTC and being pregnant. My focus has shifted away from ME. So I am a big fat BLOB. I hate being this way. I started this pregnancy about 5lbs more than I did with Lilah. I was hoping to avoid gaining as much weight as I did with her (probably about 38lbs). But the scale is not my friend right now.
I am still in the same old mindset.. "when this baby comes and I can exercise again....". I want to run again, running is something that works for me, mentally and physically. I keep talking about doing it. I just need to do it when the time comes.
For now I need to "get over it" and realize that this is who I am now and I can't change it "yet". So if I can avoid mirrors and scales until this baby is born, maybe I will be ok.
FAT CHANCE!
wahhh wahhh wahhh Woe is ME! :)

Layla Grace

I came across this story last week. I can't stop following the twitter feed or the blog. My heart is breaking for this family.
http://laylagrace.org/

I can't imagine ever being as strong as these parents are being. I can't imagine how you can see positive in such darkness. I have a strong faith and I keep myself sane most days by truely believing that good can come from bad. But why does a little girl have to suffer? Why does this family have to let go of a little girl that they love so much? I am really struggling with this. (which I know is trite considering what her family is going through).
This poor little girl started getting sick when she was Lilah's age. So of course it is hitting way too close to home. But my baby is healthy. And so many other babies are healthy. Why does this poor little girl Layla not get to grow up and enjoy life. Why? Why? Why?
I keep praying for this family, that they somehow find peace. But they are so strong and have already made some peace with this.
I am so sad. This just isn't fair.
Lord please stop this little baby's suffering and please bring some peace to this family.

"So you almost died twice?"

This was a comment from my husband last night. I was reminded of a memory from childhood that involved a friend from my neighborhood. She and I are now friends on facebook. I wrote something about a "silly memory" I had from 3rd grade. Apparently I had blocked out the trauma of this event. I read him the following: "Its a memory I will never forget. We were making ice burgs in the thin ice while laying on our stomachs hanging over the edge of the dock. Somehow you reached too far out & the next thing I knew you dove off head first & were under the ice looking up at me. Stephanie, I don't know what came over me at that moment, because for as young as we were you should have drown. You were going farther & father under the ice. I grabbed your leg. And kept pulling until your head was in the hole we made & I grabbed your hair & lifted your face out of the water. You had flipped face down again. The memory of you looking back up at me through the ice haunts me to this day. I was screaming your name, you were kicking & trying to get out from under the ice. I vividly remember telling you to "STAND- UP". We were only in maybe 2.5 feet of water. I do remember you climbing back onto the dock. I tell this story often. There is truly NO explanation of how you lived. I don't remember running up to the house at all. But I do remember how blue you were. I wondered how much of it you remembered. I didn't remember the footed PJs though. That sure was scary!"
His question, the second incident, was a similar period of time, within a few years. I fell off my bike and got a very serious concussion from the accident. In college I was learning about brain trauma and remember my Mom's recollection of the story "you looked up at me and said 'Mommy I can't see you' ". I called my Mom after that lecture and said "I had that serious of a concussion?".
This is just weighing so heavy on my heart. Have I really had two near death experiences in my life that I have never thought enough of to express my gratitude to the Lord? But this falling into the ice incident makes me realize that someone actually saved my life. A little child saved my life! The bike accident? A stranger carried me to my uncle's house (where we were visiting). Not sure that is the same as saving my life. But clearly two very instrumental people in my life that I have never thought much about in the past 25+ years.
I have always had a perspective on life that you meet people and everyone leaves some impact on you. Most of that impact you will never ever know how it has affected you. So it makes me reflect on how little I appreciate people in my life. Not so much family and friends, I think I do appreciate them, but the "little people" who come in and out of your life.
I guess the whole point of this, besides being so grateful to still be alive and able to "create" more life, is I need to be more aware of what people "do fo me". Maybe it is some crazy lady at the store who yelled at her child and that makes me give Lilah extra hugs that day. Whatever it is I feel that people have the power to impact your life. If I can learn to only let these influences be postitive, I would be ahead of the game. But that isn't always possible.
I hope I can be more appreciative of people, especially those that do make a HUGE impact on me.
I try to thank the Lord daily for all my blessings. I sure am VERY blessed in life!

Friday

Well I had an interesting email exchange with my Brother about my work "issues". I made a comment about not being able to function at work at the high level, be a Mom and be pregnant. He wrote back and said "don't forget wife".
It hit home. I don't give my husband enough credit, but sure do give him enough "bitchiness". He isn't perfect. I am not perfect. We function ok. We are good parents together. But neither of us has figured out how to make our marriage something we CONSTANTLY work on. It makes me sad. How can people be great Mommies/Daddies, but not great spouses?
I need to work on "Me". I need to accept that I can't make him change the ways about him that I don't "like". I heard an interesting movie line, of all places from "Forces of Nature". It was advice that Sandra was giving to Ben. She said something like "when you think of all the things about her that bug you... remember that she is dealing with all sorts of imperfection every day". Something like that. I don't remember the exact wording. But to me it was saying that the things that I may notice are wrong with my husband, he probably already knows and deals with every day, as well as I am no where near perfect, so those in glass houses....

Thankful for a sister in law who "gets it"

My brother and sister-in-law have two children, both were adopted after fertility treatments could not provide them a child. She just texted me to check in. And she sent me this verse.
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
So I will try to take this to heart.

Friday night

So hearing my first real "mama" at daycare should have made my day, right? Well when the day is just super crappy, it is hard for anything to improve it. I am very pissed off tonight about the work situation. It is such horrible timing the night before the ER. I need to relax and focus on the future, hopefully the future of our family. I am also frustrated with my husband, my husband who knows what a crappy day I had, and somehow can't take himself to "be there for me". I hope the intent of this blog, to help me vent and find some peace will actually come true. In the meantime.... CHEERS!

Working

Well I have many things on my mind these days. But the whole idea of being a highly effective working mom is top on the list. I have a high responsibility job and am expected to be performing at the high level I used to before being pregnant and a Mom. But I am failing. I am not as I used to be. I need to figure out the best balance of my life. But being a stay at home Mom is not an option for many reasons. I hate that I know what I am doing wrong but just don't know how to address it in the moment. I hope to get back on track soon. But am fearing that big changes may be a necessity. I wish being a working Mom were an easier task. I know many woman struggle with this too. I guess with the econmony and those struggling to be parents...my problem here is a great one to have. It just sucks some days.
Well let's add an edit to this.
I had a meeting with my boss just before lunch. I need to figure this all out. Can I really do the job I used to do? I got a promotion right after getting back from maternity leave. It was just the timing that was because of retirement. But I don't deserve the position I have any more. My mind just isn't functioning the way it did when I did earn and deserve the position. I was a big picture person, things got done, I made things happen. I earned the job. But now, not so much. I can't do the job the way I used to do. I am not living up to my potential. Can I? I don't know. I still have the opportunity to make my job what I want it to be. Do I consider getting de-moted and going part time, or "less" time in responsibility. I am so in a daze right now. I just don't know what the answer is. Oh and did I mention my ER is tomorrow?

It's a Baby Boom

So I have heard on the news that the years 2006-2008 were a baby boom. Well I lived this boom and I feel that 2010 will continue this trend. There will always be periods of time in your life where you have lots of weddings, lots of baby showers, lots of graduation parties... it happens. But in 2008 we had 17 babies that we knew, in our immediate circle and even more that weren't as close. So getting pregnant and having a baby in 2008 was a must. How in the world would I function if I couldn't take part in this baby boom. I am very thankful that God did not make this journey even harder for me. But now what? It is late 2009, where are all these other Moms? Well holy cow, many of them, and new close friends are pregnant. More babies. So again I sit and wonder if I get to play in the game this time. I am tough. I know I am. But if I don't get to play this time.... I don't know what. I will blog. This will be my healing place. I hope.

Our Story

My husband and I decided to start TTC back in September of 2006. At that point we had no idea of what our path would be. It turned out we would be on a long path, but the end of the path for child #1 was well worth the time. We have both MFIF and egg issues. We did 6 treatment cycles total. We had one early loss and were successful on IVF#1. I have no doubt that Lilah was a miracle. Our RE gave us a 5% chance of success at the transfer. The transfer was done on Day 4 because I insisted on it. I had been told there may be only one embryo to transfer. I needed to have that back with me as soon as possible. Our betas were low with Lilah and a successful outcome was not predicted. I was worried every day of my pregnancy. I still worry every day about my love bug. She is amazing absolutely amazing. I adore my Lilah and I can't wait to grow our family. She deserves to grow up with siblings. So our new journey begins.