Been too long

So today I am 8 weeks 3 days pregnant. I have been having some pretty bad morning sickness. One day I even managed to throw up 3 times. Luckily it comes and goes, and no more throwing up so far. I am very bloated, and almost can't wear my normal clothes any longer. I am not ready for maternity clothes yet, I just am not 100% comfortable that this will all be ok. So to wear maternity clothes to early seems to be a bad idea for some reason.
I need to have more faith and believe that this will all work out. It is hard to be pregnant at this early stage. You have no "proof" that things are growing and going as they should. I have an ultrasound next Monday. That will be helpful for me to start feeling more comfortable about this, I think.

Ultrasound today

Today is the day that we find out if at this point we have a viable pregnancy. I am very nervous. I have faith that no matter what the outcome is, it will be okay. But the waiting is killing me. I am so close to a panic attack and trying to come up with all sorts of ways to occupy my time, even doing WORK. ;) I think things could go either way. I still have pregnancy symptoms, and have not had any bleeding. But I just don't know what the outcome will be. I expect tears either way, lots of tears.

Lilah is ONE!

We celebrated Lilah's big day on Saturday. The party was great! We have such amazing friends and family. Poor little baby was so tired but did so well. I can't believe she is a year already. I see newborn pictures and just can't remember her ever being that small. She has her one year check up tomorrow. I am interested to see how many of the charts she is "off". I hope she handles the shots well.

Mercy

So I haven't taken the time to write in a few days. I am doing the best I can to focus on other things. I have an ultrasound on Wednesday to determine if we have a heart beat or not. The waiting game is scary. I want to have 100% faith, but that is difficult. Sunday's Sermon verse was about Mercy. I started to think about Mercy and actually looked up the definition of the word. The hardest thing for me to believe is do we really deserve another miracle? Just how many miracles is someone entitled to? I just don't know what will come of this pregnancy. I am focusing on the fact that there is still "life" inside me. I hope and pray this is the case. If I could make the time tick away a little faster I would.

Beta Hell

Well the number didn't double. So I have to spend the weekend in worry. I have to focus on the good and Lilah this weekend. So I need a meltdown and then I can go on. We will know more Monday.

"So you almost died twice?"

This was a comment from my husband last night. I was reminded of a memory from childhood that involved a friend from my neighborhood. She and I are now friends on facebook. I wrote something about a "silly memory" I had from 3rd grade. Apparently I had blocked out the trauma of this event. I read him the following: "Its a memory I will never forget. We were making ice burgs in the thin ice while laying on our stomachs hanging over the edge of the dock. Somehow you reached too far out & the next thing I knew you dove off head first & were under the ice looking up at me. Stephanie, I don't know what came over me at that moment, because for as young as we were you should have drown. You were going farther & father under the ice. I grabbed your leg. And kept pulling until your head was in the hole we made & I grabbed your hair & lifted your face out of the water. You had flipped face down again. The memory of you looking back up at me through the ice haunts me to this day. I was screaming your name, you were kicking & trying to get out from under the ice. I vividly remember telling you to "STAND- UP". We were only in maybe 2.5 feet of water. I do remember you climbing back onto the dock. I tell this story often. There is truly NO explanation of how you lived. I don't remember running up to the house at all. But I do remember how blue you were. I wondered how much of it you remembered. I didn't remember the footed PJs though. That sure was scary!"
His question, the second incident, was a similar period of time, within a few years. I fell off my bike and got a very serious concussion from the accident. In college I was learning about brain trauma and remember my Mom's recollection of the story "you looked up at me and said 'Mommy I can't see you' ". I called my Mom after that lecture and said "I had that serious of a concussion?".
This is just weighing so heavy on my heart. Have I really had two near death experiences in my life that I have never thought enough of to express my gratitude to the Lord? But this falling into the ice incident makes me realize that someone actually saved my life. A little child saved my life! The bike accident? A stranger carried me to my uncle's house (where we were visiting). Not sure that is the same as saving my life. But clearly two very instrumental people in my life that I have never thought much about in the past 25+ years.
I have always had a perspective on life that you meet people and everyone leaves some impact on you. Most of that impact you will never ever know how it has affected you. So it makes me reflect on how little I appreciate people in my life. Not so much family and friends, I think I do appreciate them, but the "little people" who come in and out of your life.
I guess the whole point of this, besides being so grateful to still be alive and able to "create" more life, is I need to be more aware of what people "do fo me". Maybe it is some crazy lady at the store who yelled at her child and that makes me give Lilah extra hugs that day. Whatever it is I feel that people have the power to impact your life. If I can learn to only let these influences be postitive, I would be ahead of the game. But that isn't always possible.
I hope I can be more appreciative of people, especially those that do make a HUGE impact on me.
I try to thank the Lord daily for all my blessings. I sure am VERY blessed in life!

C-Sections

For various reasons we ended up choosing to do a c-section. I won't go into all the details, but this was our chossen birth plan. Here are a couple tips/comments to help if you are having one.
1. It is overwhelming. The moment they roll you into the operating room is quite overwhelming, especially if you have never had surgery before. Expect a flood of emotions and try to focus on the end, and holding baby.
2. You will not have your legs for HOURS. I didn't know this. This was THE most frustrating thing for me. I could not move for a long time. I wanted to get up BAD.
3. Make sure you walk the next day! Get up and pee and walk around the hall. Get around as often as you can.
4. Take it easy at home. The worst day was when I leaped right out of bed. OMG it hurt! I forgot about the scar!
5. Keep your stitches dry and clean!
6. You will have a TON of swelling in your legs 2-4 days after c/s. I couldn't believe how much swelling I had in my feet and legs. They pump you full of fluids at the hospital. I weighed more AFTER giving birth because of this water.
7. Drink Water Drink Water Drink Water!!!!